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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they'll each get one wish.

The brunette and the redhead both wish they were at home.

The blonde then says, "Gee, I'm kinda lonely ... I wish my friends were here ..."

Yo momma is so old, when God said "Let there be light!" she flipped the switch.

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

Pupil: "This egg is bad!"

Cook: "Don't blame me I only laid the table!"