1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. 2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. 3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others. 4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. 5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.
1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly. 3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time. 4) First draw your curves, then plot your data. 5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined. 6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working. 7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance. 8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question. 9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 10) Do not believe in miracles--rely on them. 11) Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else. 12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons. 13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example. 14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 2) Form a loose grip. 3) Keep your head down. 4) Avoid a quick back swing. 5) Stay out of the water. 6) Try not to hit anyone. 7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. 8) Don't stand directly in front of others. 9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go. 10) Don't take extra strokes.
Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."