New jokes

Bobby walked Susie home from their date during a hot summer night. As they kissed goodbye, Bobby leaned against the front door and said, "Why don't we screw, right here and now?" Susie said, "No way, I'm not going to do that." Bobby kept pestering her, "Oh come on, just a little..." Susie kept refusing his requests. Bobby said, "Oh come on just some nookie..." The front door opened and Susie's little sister came downstairs rubbing her eyes. She said, "Daddy said to say that Bobby can screw you, or me or Daddy, but get your hand off the intercom button!"     ~ gnome de plume

Three guys meet after work at a bar. They all get pretty hammered and eventually split up. The next morning they gather around the watercooler and tell of their exploits from the previous night.

Guy #1 "I was so drunk last night I couldn't even get up my front steps. My wife found me on the porch and gave me hell!

Guy #2 "That's nothing. I stumbled home, dropped my key, couldn't find it so I banged on my front door, turns out I went to the wrong house. The guy who answered the door was so mad he punched me and I fell onto his garden gnome butt first!

They all looked at the third guy who said nothing. "Wellllllll???" they asked.

Guy #3 said, "I went home and blew chunks".

They all laughed, "That's nothing!"

Guy #3 "No, no, you don't understand...Chunks is my dog."     ~ Gnome De Plume

Yo momma's so stupid, she held up a vending machine.

Yo momma's so fat she needs a Zamboni to shave her legs.

A lawyer and his client were in private consultation. The woman said to the lawyer, "Will you kiss me?" "The lawyer said, "No." The woman tried again, "Oh please, just one little kiss?" "Of course not." The lady finally said, "Oh why won't you kiss me?" The lawyer said, "Look lady, I probably shouldn't be humping you either!"     ~ Gnome De Plume

For his 40th birthday, a guy decided to go visit his teenage buddy Bob who had become a scuba instructor in Hawaii.

His first day there Bob invited him to ride along when the class went out that day, promising he'd have a great time.

Awesome, he thought, so off they went.

The class is taking their first solo swims that day, suddenly one of them pops to the surface, his suit somewhat inflated.

Bob roars with laughter as another pops up, then another.

Through his tears Bob says, "Works every time!"

He asks Bob, "What's going on? "

Bob says, "Near the end of class I invite them all over to my place for a party. I make a big pot of chili and break out my special homebrew. The next day I watch them pop to the surface, one by one!"     ~ Jens