Jokes Blondes / Sex
Three girls are at work, and their female boss is leaving early for the day. The brunette also suggests to leave early as there boss will not notice. So that afternoon, they all leave early.Sex Jokes
One spends time with her son and enjoys her time off.
The redhead does her gardening and has an early night.
The blonde goes home and hears sounds in her bedroom, she walks upstairs quietly open her bedroom door and finds her boss in bed with her hubby, shuts the door and leaves the house.
On next day, the brunette goes on asking: "Shall we leave early again today?" The blonde says: "No way I nearly got caught!
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks.Sex Jokes
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten Bitch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
How do you teach a blonde maths?Sex Jokes
Add a bed, subtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!
What do blondes and turtles have in common?Turtle Jokes
When they are on their backs they are screwed.
One day about a month ago, President Bush was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.Sex Jokes
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"
She replied, $200."
To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100.
He then asked the redhead.
Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"Cowboy Jokes
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ...'. And here I am."
Why was the blondes' belly button sore?Belly Button Jokes
Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?Traffic Jokes
Some traffic signs say stop.
What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?Spaghetti Jokes
They both wriggle when you eat them.
What do blondes and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?Semen Jokes
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?Titanic Jokes
You know how many men went down on the titanic.
Jokes Blondes / Dumb
A blonde walks into a shop and gets one of the staff to help her find a TV. She finds one and says: "Can I buy that TV please?"Dumb Jokes
Staff guy: "No I don't serve blondes!"
Blonde: "Wait here!" She runs of, dyes her hair black and comes back in and says: "Can I buy that TV please?"
Staff guy: "No I don't serve blondes!"
Now the blonde is getting confused so she goes and dyes her hair red and comes back in and says: "Can I buy that TV please?"
Staff guy: "No I don't serve blondes!"
Blonde: "Why do you keep on calling me a blonde?"
Staff guy: "Because that's not a TV that's a microwave!"
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?Orange Juice Jokes
Because it said 'concentrate'.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?Grenade Jokes
Pull the pin and throw it back.
Two blondes were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Betty.Suicide Jokes
"Bet you $10 he won't," replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second blonde hands the first her money.
"I can't take your money," said Betty. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no. Take it," said Amber. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.Train Jokes
The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks."
And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?Leg Jokes
Nothing, they haven't met!
A ventriloquist comes onto the stage with his dummy and starts his act. One bit requires his dummy to tell Dumb-Blonde Jokes. After a few jokes, an angry blonde woman finally stands up and starts speaking her mind.Ventriloquist Jokes
"I have had it with the stereotyping of all blondes being stupid!" the woman yells, and she continues ranting on about this.
Finally, the ventriloquist says, "Sorry ma'am ..."
The woman cuts him off by saying, "You stay out of this. I'm talkin' to the dummy."
A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic.Plane Jokes
All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom “I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes.”
Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.
Shortly thereafter, there is third bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours.
The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, “Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.”
Jokes Blondes / Stupid
What's the Blonde's cheer?Cheer Jokes
"I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N. ... ah, oh well ... I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea ..."
A blonde girl comes rushing home to her mum and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only count to 3 but I can count to 5. Look - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Does that mean I am special mummy?"Stupid Jokes
"Yes dear it does."
The next day the blonde girl comes running in again and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only say the alphabet from A to C but I can go until E. Look - A, B, C, D, E. Does that mean I am special mummy?"
"Yes dear it does."
The next day the blonde girl comes rushing home and says "Mummy mummy! Today at school we were getting changed for physical excercises and all the other girls had really flat chests but I had these ...!" She opens her blouse and reveals a humungous pair of DD breasts. "Is it because I am special mummy?"
"No dear it's because you are 25."
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?Medicine Jokes
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in.Golf Jokes
The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the clubhouse and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"
Jokes Blondes / Cars
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"Car Jokes
Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"
What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?Airbag Jokes
What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?Porsche Jokes
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?Handicapped Jokes
You can park in the handicapped spots.
Jokes Blondes / Differences
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?Computer Jokes
You only have to put information into a computer once.
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?Bigfoot Jokes
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?Ufo Jokes
There have been sightings of UFO's.
What's the difference between a blonde and a bitch?Bitch Jokes
A blonde will fuck anyone, a bitch will fuck anyone but you.
What's the difference between a blonde and your job?Job Jokes
Your job still sucks after 6 months.
What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?Light Bulb Jokes
The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?Calculator Jokes
The blonde works in the dark!
Jokes Blondes / Brunettes
If you drop a blonde and a brunette from 100 ft, which hits the ground first?Brunette Jokes
The brunette, because the blonde has to ask directions on the way down.
What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?Intelligence Jokes
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they'll each get one wish.Genie Jokes
The brunette and the redhead both wish they were at home.
The blonde then says, "Gee, I'm kinda lonely ... I wish my friends were here ..."
Jokes Blondes / Women
Why did the blonde climb over a glass wall?Stupid Jokes
To see what was on the other side.
Why do blonde chicks have cum in their navels?Sex Jokes
Because blonde guys aren't too bright either!
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work for a construction crew. One day, they were on their lunch break, sitting on a beam thirty stories high. They all note that they've had the same lunch for as long as they were on the job. They agreed if they opened their lunchboxes and found the same lunch, they would all hurl themselves off the beam.Lunch Jokes
The next day, the police are investigating the scene where the three women fell. When the police asked the husbands of the women, the brunette and the redhead's husbands both said, "If I had known, I would have given her something different." However, the blonde's husband said, "Don't look at me, she packs her own lunch."
Jokes Blondes / Redheads
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette went into a farm to steal chickens. The police were nearby and they heard them and came in. The girls quickly jumped into three potato sacks so they wouldn't be seen.Potato Jokes
One policeman kicked the sack with the redhead, and she said "meow" pretending to be a cat.
He kicked the second one with the brunette, and she said "ruff", pretending to be a dog.
When he kicked the third sack with the blonde, she said "potatoes".
A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.Desert Jokes
The brunette says, "I brought some water so we don't get dehydrated."
The redhead says, "I brought some suntan lotion so we don't get sunburned."
Then the blonde says I brought a car door." The other girls said, "Why did you bring that?" Then the blonde says, "So I can roll down the window if it gets hot."
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.Doctor Jokes
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
Jokes Blondes / Ears
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?Ear Jokes
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?Flashlight Jokes
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?Intelligence Jokes
Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Short Jokes about Blondes
How does a blonde kill a fish?Fish Jokes
She drowns it ...
Why do blondes hate M&Ms?M&M's Jokes
They're too hard to peel.
What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?Marriage Jokes
What do you call a blonde in a tree with a briefcase?Tree Jokes
How do you get a blonde on the roof?Drink Jokes
Tell her drinks are on the house.
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?Laughing Jokes
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?Coffee Jokes
It takes too long to retrain them.
Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?Helicopter Jokes
She got cold and turned off the fan.
What do a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?Beer Jokes
They're both empty from the neck up.
Two blondes walk into a building.Building Jokes
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it!
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?Ufo Jokes
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Why did the blonde cross the road?Bedroom Jokes
Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?
What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?Leg Jokes
Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?Grenade Jokes
Run like hell ... she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?Bowling Ball Jokes
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball!
Long Jokes about Blondes
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.Lawyer Jokes
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Three blonde friends die together in a car wreck. They find themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He warns them that before they can enter heaven, they have to tell him what Easter is about.St. Peter Jokes
The first blonde says, "Easter is a holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."
"Nooooo," groans St. Peter. "You don't get in."
The second blonde says, "Easter is the holiday where we decorate a tree with pretty ornaments and give each other presents."
"Nooooo," groans St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."
The third blonde says, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with his disciples, he was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified him on a cross. After he died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."
"Very good!" says St. Peter.
But the blonde continues. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of winter."
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are interviewing for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.Nasa Jokes
First, the panel of scientists asks the brunette, "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you choose and why?" She answers promptly, "I would go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
Next, the panel asks the redhead the same question. Without any hesitation, she replies, "I'd like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."
Finally, the NASA scientists ask the blonde the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. After pondering for several minutes, she finally answers, "I would go to the sun."
Several scientists suppress a laugh, but the lead interviewer, trying to take the blonde seriously, explains, "Well, if you went to the sun, you'd burn to death almost instantaneously."
The blond smirks and puts her hands on her hips. "Don't be stupid! I'd go at night!"
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.Tampon Jokes
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict, a blonde man, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating ..."
Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.Priest Jokes
They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.
The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.
The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers."
"Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"
The blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Katherine from the convent."
4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.French Jokes
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks: "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."
The pretty young blonde thinks: "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."
The Frenchman thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."
The Englishman thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again."
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.Flight Attendant Jokes
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.Shoe Jokes
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driver's license.Cop Jokes
The motorist digs around in her purse but can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home, officer."
The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?"
The motorist searches her purse again and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself."
The cop says, "Let me see." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I'd known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender: "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"Short jokes
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'', weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5'' pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind guy says: "Not if I'm going to explain it five times."
A blonde desperately needed some money, so she decided to kidnap someone. So she went to the park and she grabbed this kid.Money Jokes
Then she wrote a note saying, "If you ever want to see your child again, leave 10,000 dollars in a paper bag in the northwest corner of the park." then she signed it 'THE BLONDE' and told the kid to give it to his mom.
The next day she went to the northwest corner of the park and got the paper bag. It had the money in it and a note from the mother that said, "How could you do this to another blonde?"
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.Water Jokes
The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde: “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”
A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis. His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.Penis Jokes
"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.Police Jokes
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?Lawyer Jokes
1) There are some things even a blonde won't do.
2) Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.
How do you confuse a blonde?Corner Jokes
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
She comes out and says she did it.
More Jokes about Blondes
What does a blonde do with her asshole in the morning?Asshole Jokes
Pack his lunch and send him to work.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?Man Jokes
So men can remember them.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?Computer Jokes
There's whiteout on the screen.
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then closed and went back into the house.Computer Jokes
A little later she came out of her house again and went to the mail box. She opened and shut it again. Angrily, she went back to the house.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her: "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied: "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying: 'You've got mail!'"