6 → Joke
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla
on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "gorilla removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. he's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles
and not let it go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the damn dog
40 → Joke
The man tells his doctor
that his wife
hasn't wanted to have sex
with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband
"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."
The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
22 → Joke
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband
always insisted on shutting off the light
Well, after 20 years the wife
felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a dildo
! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I’ll explain the toy ... you explain the kids."
9 → Joke
An old preacher
. He sent a message for his banker
and his lawyer
, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled, the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said: "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then weakly said: "Jesus
died between two thieves
, and that's how I want to go."
15 → JokeMore long jokesBack to home
men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son
is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic man chirps, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him Your Holiness."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"
She replies, "I have a gorgeous daughter
. When she walks into a room, people say, ... Oh God