Man Jokes
Top 100 Jokes about Men



Contents

Jokes Men / Women
Jokes Men / Sex
Jokes Men / Penises
Jokes Men / Beer
Jokes Men / Brains
Jokes Men / Differences
Jokes Men / Marriages
Jokes Men / Dumb
Short Jokes about Men
Long Jokes about Men

 Jokes   Man Sayings




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Jokes Men / Women



How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."

Woman Jokes    


HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked ... with beer.

Woman Jokes    


What is the thinnest book in the world?

"What men know about women."

Woman Jokes    


What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Woman Jokes    


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.

Woman Jokes    


Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?

Theres no place like home ...

Woman Jokes    


PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts every day.

Woman Jokes    


Why did God create man before woman?

He didn't want any advice!

God Jokes    


Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Woman Jokes    


Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?

She died laughing before she could tell anybody.

Woman Jokes    


If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him.

Is he still wrong?

Woman Jokes    


What is the most common pregnancy craving?

For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Pregnancy Jokes    


What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Wife Jokes    


  Woman Jokes  




Jokes Men / Sex



What have clouds and men got in common?

When they finally fuck off, it’s a very nice day!

Sex Jokes    


What is a man's idea of foreplay?

A half hour of begging.

Sex Jokes    


Why do so many women fake orgasm?

Because so many men fake foreplay.

Sex Jokes    


What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?

Men always miss them.

Toilet Jokes    


Why is a man like a snowstorm?

Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

Snowstorm Jokes    


Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized."

Egg Jokes    


What's common between men and video?

Both go backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... stop and eject.

Backward Jokes    


What do men and sperm have in common?

They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Sperm Jokes    


Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?

Nothing all the good ones are taken.

Parking Jokes    


Why are men like popcorn?

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Popcorn Jokes    


What's the difference between a man and a messy room?

You can straighten up a messy room.

Room Jokes    


What's the most effective birth control device for men.

Their manners.

Birth Control Jokes    


How are men like noodles?

They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Noodle Jokes    


Why don't men believe in paternity tests?

Because the sample is taken from their finger.

Finger Jokes    


  Sex Jokes  




Jokes Men / Penises



Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

So men can be open minded.

Penis Jokes    


Why does a man have a hole in the end of his penis?

To get oxygen to his brain!

Penis Jokes    


What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?

The man.

Penis Jokes    


What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that thing?

Elephant Jokes    


Why do men fart louder than women?

Because they have a microphone and two speakers.

Fart Jokes    


Why are women so bad at mathematics?

Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

Woman Jokes    


How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

We don't know. Never happens.

Toilet Roll Jokes    


Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

Woman Jokes    


  Penis Jokes  




Jokes Men / Beer



How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Beer Jokes    


What do men and beer bottles have in common?

They are both empty from the neck up!

Beer Jokes    


What does a man consider a seven course meal?

A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

Beer Jokes    


What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

Beer Jokes    


  Beer Jokes  




Jokes Men / Brains



What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?

Castrated.

Brain Jokes    


Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

1) So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
2) So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

Dog Jokes    


What's the difference between a man and a cow?

One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!

Cow Jokes    


  Brain Jokes  




Jokes Men / Differences



Why is a man different from a computer?

You only have to tell the computer once.

Computer Jokes    


What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?

Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

Bar Jokes    


What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?

One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.

Bigfoot Jokes    


What is the difference between a man and childbirth?

One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

Childbirth Jokes    


  Difference Jokes  




Jokes Men / Marriages



Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

Because they are tired of using their own.

Marriage Jokes    


Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?

They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Marriage Jokes    


What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

They are married.

Bar Jokes    


Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.

Woman Jokes    


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Woman Jokes    


  Marriage Jokes  




Jokes Men / Dumb



Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?

So men can remember them.

Blonde Jokes    


What do men and beer have in common?

They're both empty from the neck up.

Beer Jokes    


What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?

I don't know, I've never seen either one.

Ufo Jokes    


  Dumb Jokes  




Short Jokes about Men



Four words to ruin a man's ego ...

"Is it in YET?"

Ego Jokes    


What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?

Sex.

Sex Jokes    


What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?

Lazy.

Woman Jokes    


How does a man take a bubble bath?

He eats beans for dinner.

Bean Jokes    


What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?

An insurance company.

Orgasm Jokes    


Why did God create man?

Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Vibrator Jokes    


What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

E.T. Jokes    


Why don't men eat between meals.

There *IS* no "between" meals.

Meal Jokes    


Why are men like commercials?

You can't believe a word they say.

Commercial Jokes    


Why did the man cross the road?

He heard the chicken was a slut.

Chicken Jokes    


Why do men like love at first sight?

It saves them a lot of time.

Love Jokes    


How do you save a man from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

Drowning Jokes    


How do men sort their laundry?

"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Laundry Jokes    


Why are men like laxatives?

They can irritate the shit out of you.

Laxative Jokes    


What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

Bond Jokes    


Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Computer Jokes    


Why don't men often show their true feelings?

Because they don't have any.

Feeling Jokes    


What is the difference between men and government bonds?

The bonds mature.

Bond Jokes    


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

Breast Jokes    


What is a man's idea of doing housework?

Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

Housework Jokes    


How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

Exercise Jokes    


How many men would it take to mop a floor?

No one knows. They've never done it.

Mop Jokes    


Why is a man like the weather?

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Weather Jokes    


  Short jokes  




Long Jokes about Men



In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Sex Jokes    


Three men are trapped on an island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they will each get a wish.

The first man wishes he was 25% smarter, then he swims off the island.

The second man wishes he was 50% smarter, then he cut down the tree, made a boat, and rowed off the island.

The third man wished he was 100% smarter, then he walked across the bridge.

Genie Jokes    


A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Woman Jokes    


Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.

Fire Jokes    


Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?

1) MENstruation
2) MENopause
3) MENtal breakdown
4) GUYnecology
5) HIMmorrhoids
...

Woman Jokes    


Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Woman Jokes    


I asked my wife: "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

She said: "Somewhere I have never been!"

I told her: "How about the kitchen?"

Anniversary Jokes    


How are men and parking spaces alike?

The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Parking Jokes    


A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Suicide Jokes    


Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Woman Jokes    


How many men does it take to make pop popcorn?

Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

Popcorn Jokes    


Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

Gay Jokes    


Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Committee Jokes    


How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

Dish Jokes    


What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?

A man's undivided attention.

Ball Jokes    


How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.

Bikini Jokes    


What's the difference between a man and a parrot?

You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.

Parrot Jokes    


What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

When the power goes off.

Romance Jokes    


What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

1) No mind.
2) No business.

Business Jokes    


Why don't men cook at home?

No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.

Toaster Jokes    


Why don't men do laundry?

Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

Laundry Jokes    


Why is urine yellow and sperm white?

So men can tell if they are coming or going.

Sperm Jokes    


Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?

So they can find their way back to the house

Lawn Mower Jokes    


  Long jokes  






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