Man Jokes
Top 100 Jokes about Men

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked ... with beer.

What is the thinnest book in the world?

"What men know about women."

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.

Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?

Theres no place like home ...

PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts every day.

Why did God create man before woman?

He didn't want any advice!

Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?

She died laughing before she could tell anybody.

If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him.

Is he still wrong?

What is the most common pregnancy craving?

For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What have clouds and men got in common?

When they finally fuck off, it’s a very nice day!

What is a man's idea of foreplay?

A half hour of begging.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?

Because so many men fake foreplay.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?

Men always miss them.

Why is a man like a snowstorm?

Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized."

What's common between men and video?

Both go backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... stop and eject.

What do men and sperm have in common?

They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?

Nothing all the good ones are taken.

Why are men like popcorn?

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

What's the difference between a man and a messy room?

You can straighten up a messy room.

What's the most effective birth control device for men.

Their manners.

How are men like noodles?

They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why don't men believe in paternity tests?

Because the sample is taken from their finger.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

So men can be open minded.

Why does a man have a hole in the end of his penis?

To get oxygen to his brain!

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?

The man.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that thing?

Why do men fart louder than women?

Because they have a microphone and two speakers.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?

Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

We don't know. Never happens.

Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?

They are both empty from the neck up!

What does a man consider a seven course meal?

A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?

Castrated.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

1) So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
2) So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

What's the difference between a man and a cow?

One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!

Why is a man different from a computer?

You only have to tell the computer once.

What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?

Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?

One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?

One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

Because they are tired of using their own.

Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?

They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

They are married.

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?

So men can remember them.

What do men and beer have in common?

They're both empty from the neck up.

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?

I don't know, I've never seen either one.

Four words to ruin a man's ego ...

"Is it in YET?"

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?

Sex.

What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?

Lazy.

How does a man take a bubble bath?

He eats beans for dinner.

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?

An insurance company.

Why did God create man?

Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

Why don't men eat between meals.

There *IS* no "between" meals.

Why are men like commercials?

You can't believe a word they say.

Why did the man cross the road?

He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why do men like love at first sight?

It saves them a lot of time.

How do you save a man from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

How do men sort their laundry?

"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Why are men like laxatives?

They can irritate the shit out of you.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?

Because they don't have any.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?

The bonds mature.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

What is a man's idea of doing housework?

Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

How many men would it take to mop a floor?

No one knows. They've never done it.

Why is a man like the weather?

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Three men are trapped on an island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they will each get a wish.

The first man wishes he was 25% smarter, then he swims off the island.

The second man wishes he was 50% smarter, then he cut down the tree, made a boat, and rowed off the island.

The third man wished he was 100% smarter, then he walked across the bridge.

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.

Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?

1) MENstruation
2) MENopause
3) MENtal breakdown
4) GUYnecology
5) HIMmorrhoids
...

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

I asked my wife: "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

She said: "Somewhere I have never been!"

I told her: "How about the kitchen?"

How are men and parking spaces alike?

The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

How many men does it take to make pop popcorn?

Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?

A man's undivided attention.

How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.

What's the difference between a man and a parrot?

You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

When the power goes off.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

1) No mind.
2) No business.

Why don't men cook at home?

No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.

Why don't men do laundry?

Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?

So men can tell if they are coming or going.

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?

So they can find their way back to the house