Jokes Men / Women
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?Woman Jokes
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMANWoman Jokes
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked ... with beer.
What is the thinnest book in the world?Woman Jokes
"What men know about women."
What is the difference between men and women?Woman Jokes
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
A woman has the last word in any argument.Woman Jokes
Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.
Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?Woman Jokes
Theres no place like home ...
PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts every day.Woman Jokes
Why did God create man before woman?God Jokes
He didn't want any advice!
Why do men break wind more than women?Woman Jokes
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?Woman Jokes
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him.Woman Jokes
Is he still wrong?
What is the most common pregnancy craving?Pregnancy Jokes
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?Wife Jokes
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Jokes Men / Sex
What have clouds and men got in common?Sex Jokes
When they finally fuck off, it’s a very nice day!
What is a man's idea of foreplay?Sex Jokes
A half hour of begging.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?Sex Jokes
Because so many men fake foreplay.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?Toilet Jokes
Men always miss them.
Why is a man like a snowstorm?Snowstorm Jokes
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"Egg Jokes
What's common between men and video?Backward Jokes
Both go backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... stop and eject.
What do men and sperm have in common?Sperm Jokes
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?Parking Jokes
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Why are men like popcorn?Popcorn Jokes
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
What's the difference between a man and a messy room?Room Jokes
You can straighten up a messy room.
How are men like noodles?Noodle Jokes
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why don't men believe in paternity tests?Finger Jokes
Because the sample is taken from their finger.
Jokes Men / Penises
Why does a penis have a hole in the end?Penis Jokes
So men can be open minded.
Why does a man have a hole in the end of his penis?Penis Jokes
To get oxygen to his brain!
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?Penis Jokes
What did the elephant say to the naked man?Elephant Jokes
How do you breathe through that thing?
Why do men fart louder than women?Fart Jokes
Because they have a microphone and two speakers.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?Woman Jokes
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?Toilet Roll Jokes
We don't know. Never happens.
Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.Woman Jokes
Jokes Men / Beer
How many men does it take to open a beer?Beer Jokes
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?Beer Jokes
They are both empty from the neck up!
What does a man consider a seven course meal?Beer Jokes
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?Beer Jokes
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Jokes Men / Brains
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?Brain Jokes
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?Dog Jokes
1) So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
2) So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
What's the difference between a man and a cow?Cow Jokes
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!
Jokes Men / Differences
Why is a man different from a computer?Computer Jokes
You only have to tell the computer once.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?Bar Jokes
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?Bigfoot Jokes
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?Childbirth Jokes
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
Jokes Men / Marriages
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?Marriage Jokes
Because they are tired of using their own.
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?Marriage Jokes
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?Bar Jokes
They are married.
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.Woman Jokes
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?Woman Jokes
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Jokes Men / Dumb
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?Blonde Jokes
So men can remember them.
What do men and beer have in common?Beer Jokes
They're both empty from the neck up.
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?Ufo Jokes
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
Short Jokes about Men
Four words to ruin a man's ego ...Ego Jokes
"Is it in YET?"
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?Sex Jokes
What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?Woman Jokes
How does a man take a bubble bath?Bean Jokes
He eats beans for dinner.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?Orgasm Jokes
An insurance company.
Why did God create man?Vibrator Jokes
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?E.T. Jokes
E.T. phoned home.
Why don't men eat between meals.Meal Jokes
There *IS* no "between" meals.
Why did the man cross the road?Chicken Jokes
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why do men like love at first sight?Love Jokes
It saves them a lot of time.
How do you save a man from drowning?Drowning Jokes
Take your foot off his head.
How do men sort their laundry?Laundry Jokes
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Why are men like laxatives?Laxative Jokes
They can irritate the shit out of you.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?Bond Jokes
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.Computer Jokes
Why don't men often show their true feelings?Feeling Jokes
Because they don't have any.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?Bond Jokes
The bonds mature.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?Breast Jokes
Breasts don't have eyes.
What is a man's idea of doing housework?Housework Jokes
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?Exercise Jokes
Put the remote control between his toes.
How many men would it take to mop a floor?Mop Jokes
No one knows. They've never done it.
Why is a man like the weather?Weather Jokes
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Long Jokes about Men
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."Sex Jokes
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".
And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
Three men are trapped on an island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they will each get a wish.Genie Jokes
The first man wishes he was 25% smarter, then he swims off the island.
The second man wishes he was 50% smarter, then he cut down the tree, made a boat, and rowed off the island.
The third man wished he was 100% smarter, then he walked across the bridge.
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn.Woman Jokes
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.Fire Jokes
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?Woman Jokes
3) MENtal breakdown
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"Woman Jokes
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
I asked my wife: "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"Anniversary Jokes
She said: "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her: "How about the kitchen?"
How are men and parking spaces alike?Parking Jokes
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.Suicide Jokes
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?Woman Jokes
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
How many men does it take to make pop popcorn?Popcorn Jokes
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?Gay Jokes
They already have boyfriends.
Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.Committee Jokes
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?Dish Jokes
Both of them.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?Ball Jokes
A man's undivided attention.
How do men exercise on the beach?Bikini Jokes
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
What's the difference between a man and a parrot?Parrot Jokes
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?Romance Jokes
When the power goes off.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?Business Jokes
1) No mind.
2) No business.
Why don't men cook at home?Toaster Jokes
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.
Why don't men do laundry?Laundry Jokes
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!
Why is urine yellow and sperm white?Sperm Jokes
So men can tell if they are coming or going.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?Lawn Mower Jokes
So they can find their way back to the house