Computer Jokes
Top 50 Jokes about Computers



Contents

Jokes Computers / Windows
Jokes Computers / Microsoft
Jokes Computers / Software
Jokes Computers / Blondes
Jokes Computers / Men
Jokes Computers / Sex
Short Jokes about Computers
Long Jokes about Computers
More Jokes about Computers

 Jokes




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Jokes Computers / Windows



If Windows is the solution, can we please have the problem back?

Windows Jokes    


Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.

Windows Jokes    


Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.

Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.

DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.

Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.

Windows Jokes    


Windows 95: The first program, having its best-before-date include in its name.

Windows Jokes    


Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"

Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."

Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

Windows Jokes    


Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"

Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."

Windows Jokes    


  Windows Jokes  




Jokes Computers / Microsoft



The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

Microsoft Jokes    


Why did Microsoft give the name "Windows" to its operating software?

If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!

Microsoft Jokes    


Microsoft is not the answer - Microsoft is the question. The answer is no!

Microsoft Jokes    


In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.


In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

Heaven Jokes    


  Microsoft Jokes  




Jokes Computers / Software



My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Software Jokes    


Old software engineers never die, they just reboot.

Software Jokes    


Whats the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?

The used car salesman knows when he's lying.

Salesman Jokes    


  Software Jokes  




Jokes Computers / Blondes



What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?

You only have to put information into a computer once.

Blonde Jokes    


How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?

There's whiteout on the screen.

Blonde Jokes    


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then closed and went back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again and went to the mail box. She opened and shut it again. Angrily, she went back to the house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her: "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied: "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying: 'You've got mail!'"

Blonde Jokes    


  Blonde Jokes  




Jokes Computers / Men



Why is a man different from a computer?

You only have to tell the computer once.

Man Jokes    


Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Man Jokes    


A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

Parrot Jokes    


  Man Jokes  




Jokes Computers / Sex



Programming is like sex:

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Sex Jokes    


A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.

Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:

"You've got Male!"

Sex Jokes    


A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex ... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

Frog Jokes    


  Sex Jokes  




Short Jokes about Computers



10 HOME
20 SWEET
30 GOTO 10

Home Jokes    


!rotinom ruoy edisni kcuts m'I ,pleH

Backward Jokes    


Press any key!

No! no! no! NOT THAT ONE!

Key Jokes    


Drag me, drop me - treat me like an object.

Drag Jokes    


Artificial Intelligence stands no chance against Natural Stupidity.

Stupidity Jokes    


If Windows 95 is the answer, how stupid must have been the question?

Windows 95 Jokes    


An Intel PC has four protections modes: Abort, Retry, Fail and Reboot.

Protection Jokes    


43rd Law of Computing:
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped

Law Jokes    


There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

People Jokes    


  Short jokes  




Long Jokes about Computers



At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

General Motors Jokes    


A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.

Urine Jokes    


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Writer Jokes    


Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?

He was trying to get in touch with Private Data but if it involves a Major Disaster I understand that the fault lies with General Protection.

Furthermore, if you cannot reboot it may be because of a corrupt Colonel.

General Jokes    


A guy walks into a store to buy a new computer. So he takes the computer home and sets it up on his desk.

Creating a master account the computer asks him for his password. He enters the word penis.

The computer responds: "Your password is not long enough!"

Password Jokes    


You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book and then delete all files on your hard drive.

Thank you.

Virus Jokes    


If it's there and you can see it - it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!

Virtual Jokes    


Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.

Pac-Man Jokes    


  Long jokes  




More Jokes about Computers



Old software engineers never die. They just log out.

Engineer Jokes    


No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay, Windows does that too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug.

Virus Jokes    


This is Linux land. In silent nights you can hear the Windows machines rebooting.

Windows Jokes    


Unix *is* user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are.

Unix Jokes    


How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

1) None. real computer geeks prefer LEDs.
2) None. It's a hardware problem!
3) Just one. But the house falls down.
4) Two. One resigns halfway through the project.
5) 10. One to change the bulb and one to explain binary.
6) Is this a dynamically allocated light bulb?

Light Bulb Jokes    


Have you ever noticed that the Klingons are all speaking unix?

"Grep ls awk chmod."
"Mknod ksh tar imap."
"Wall fsck yacc!"

Unix Jokes    


Linux - the ideal operating system for CPUs that are never powered up.

Linux Jokes    


 






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