Bloke jokes

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

Two fat blokes sitting in a pub, one say to the other, "Your round!"

The other replies, "So are you, you fat bastard!"

A bloke takes his mates back to his new flat, after a few more beers.

One of the boys asks him: "What's the big brass gong for?"

The host says: "It's my speaking clock!"

"How does it work?"

"I will show you" and he hits it full pelt with a club hammer!

A voice from next door yells: "For fucks sake you cunt, its twenty to three in the morning!"

A bloke walks into a bar and orders 10 double whiskys and downs them in one.

Barman: "What's up?"

Bloke: "My youngest son just told me he's gay".

Next day he goes in and orders 15 double whiskys.

Barman: "What's up now?"

Bloke: "Just found out my oldest son is gay!"

Next day he goes in and orders 20 double whiskys.

Barman: "Fuck me! Does no one in your family like pussies?"

Bloke: "Yes - my wife!"