97 jokes about friends
51 → Joke
were in their bedroom and the girl
says to her boyfriend, "I wish I had bigger tits
The boyfriend says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months".
"How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend.
"Well it worked for your ass
" says the boyfriend.
48 → Joke
Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church
and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession
area and spoke to the pastor
, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to my grilfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
27 → Joke
, a Chain Smoker and a Homosexual
go to the doctor.
The doctor says: "If any of you indulge one more time you'll die."
As they walk home they pass a bar. The Alcoholic has a shot of whiskey, falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.
As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning. The Homosexual looks at the Chain Smoker and says: "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"
36 → Joke
and a chicken
are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm
but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche
back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks
40 → Joke
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow
hurts. I better go to the doctor
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer
at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine
sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs
. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.