97 jokes about friends
A man is sitting at the bar
in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey
. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink
before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife
just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky
in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,
"Not anymore! ... He is!"
A Boy wanted to have sex
with his girlfriend
. But she was refusing all the time. So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about it. His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: "Next time you meet her under the tree behind your home. I will be up in the tree waiting for you. If she refuses again you ask God
in the heaven whether you can have sex with her or not. And I will give the right answer to you and her."
The days went by and one Saturday afternoon he met his girlfriend again. They both went to that tree and he asked her to have sex. She refused. So he said to her: "And, my dear, if I ask God in heaven, would you follow his advise?" "Yes, I would" she said. So he asked: "Father in heaven can I have sex with my girlfriend?" And the voice from heaven said: "OK my friend, go ahead!" And so they had sex the first time.
But the boy asked his friend to do him this favour every week, and he did. But the last time when he asked God in heaven, the father answered: "My dear friend below, step aside and let your father in heaven have a go!"
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar
. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair
with the electrician. Last week I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. This week I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse
." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. Yesterday I came home and found a jockey
under our bed."
, a brunette
, and a redhead
are stranded on a desert island. They find a genie
's lamp and agree they'll each get one wish
The brunette and the redhead both wish they were at home
The blonde then says, "Gee, I'm kinda lonely ... I wish my friends were here ..."
A friend and her husband
were participating in a blood
drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.
"Have you ever paid for sex
?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children
milling around her, "Oh yes", he sighed, "Every time."