Us jokes

How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?

Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.

"Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" a young son asks.

"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "thats a pussy son."

"It's wonderful dad, can I touch it?"

"No son" says Dad. "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the cunt up!"

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!

Now read without the word dog.

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.

No fee, Chen Lee.

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies: "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says: "Of course not Johnny."

To which Johnny replies: "Then I have definitely shit my pants."