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A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer
at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine
sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs
. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.
was standing in a crowded lift
of the hotel she was staying in. When a man
got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast
The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit
, you'll forgive me."
So the woman replies, "If your dick
is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
A gorgeous young redhead
goes into the doctor
's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger
, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal
The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands
... clear up to his elbows ... He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean."
The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door he had a smirk on his face and said: "I don't know about you guys, but where I went to college
, they taught us not to piss
on our hands."