Elderly - 16 jokes
19 → Joke
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old
now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says: "I feel just like a newborn baby
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
34 → Joke
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing
problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor
and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will
Hospital34 → Joke
regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
25 → Joke
After drafting a will
for an elderly client, the lawyer
announced a fee of $100.
The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.
After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.
Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
20 → Joke
An old woman
is riding in an elevator
in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume
. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts
and says, "Broccoli
- 49 cents a pound!"