92 jokes about seconds
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.27 → Joke
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.14 → Joke
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres ... We can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
First guy proudly: "My wife's an angel!"114 → Joke
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!99 → Joke
Now read without the word dog.
A husband buys his wife a car for Christmas ...69 → Joke
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"