Jokes Schools / Little Johnny
Teacher: "How much is half of 8?"Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny: "Up and down or across?"
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny: "Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!"
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Teacher: "Give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat and detail in it."Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny: "When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go before detail!"
Teacher: "What is the most common phrase used in school?"Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny: "I don't know!"
Teacher: "Fred can you find me America on the map please?"Little Johnny Jokes
Fred: "There it is!"
Teacher: "Now, Johnny, who discovered America?"
Little Johnny: "Fred did!"
Teacher: "Where was the Declaration of Independance signed?"Little Johnny Jokes
LIttle Johnny: "At the bottom!"
Teacher: "What are you going to be when you get out of school?"Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny: "An old man!"
Teacher: "Can you count to 10?"Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny: "Yes, teacher – one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten."
Teacher: "Now go on from there."
Little Johnny: "Jack, Queen, King."
Teacher: "What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?"Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny: "I don't know, I wasn't invited!"
Teacher: "What is an island?"Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny: "A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side."
Teacher: "On one side?"
Little Johnny: "Yes, on top!"
Jokes Schools / Teachers
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?Teacher Jokes
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.Idiot Jokes
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."Teacher Jokes
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.Penis Jokes
But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.
Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.
Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.
Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
Teacher: Susie, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'.Alphabet Jokes
Susie: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, no, no, don't say 'I is', you say 'I am'".
Susie: "OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Sam: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"Homework Jokes
Teacher: "No, of course not."
Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
Teacher: "Did you parents help you with these homework problems?"Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny: "No I got them all wrong by myself!"
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Teacher: "I hope I didn't see you copying from David's work!"Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny: "I hope you didn't too!"
Mother: "How was your first day at school?"Teacher Jokes
Son: "It was all right except for some men called teachers who kept spoiling all our fun!"
Pupil: "My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were."Pupil Jokes
Mother: "Well next time remember where you put things!"
Jokes Schools / Pupils
Teacher: "In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question."Pupil Jokes
Pupil: "How long for the answers sir!"
Father: "How are your grades, son?"Grade Jokes
Son: "Under water, Dad."
Father: "Under water? What do you mean?"
Son: "They're below C level."
Teacher: "Can anyone tell me what sort of animal a slug is?"Slugs Jokes
Pupil: "It's a snail with a housing problem!"
"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?"Excuse Jokes
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!"
Teacher: "Why were you late?"Pupil Jokes
Pupil: "Sorry, I overslept."
Techer: "You mean you need to sleep at home too!"
Teacher: "The word politics - can you give me an example of how to use it?"Pupil Jokes
Pupil: "My parrot swallowed a watch and now Polly ticks!"
Teacher: "What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?"Pupil Jokes
Pupil: "Dead? I didn't even know it was sick!"
Mother: "Let me see your report son."Report Jokes
Son: "Here it is, Mother, but don't show it to Dad. He's been helping me!"
Teacher: "What is a comet?"Pupil Jokes
Pupil: "A star with a tail!"
Teacher: "Can you name one?"
Teacher: "What do we call the outer part of a tree?"Pupil Jokes
Pupil: "Don't know Miss!"
Teacher: "Bark, silly, bark!"
Pupil: "Woof, woof!"
Jokes Schools / History
Father: "How did you do in your tests?"George Washington Jokes
Son: "I did what George Washington did!"
Father: "What was that?"
Son: "Went down in history!"
Yo momma is so old that when she was in school there was no history class.Yo Momma Jokes
Teacher: "Who can tell me where Hadrians' Wall is?"Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny: "I suspect it's around Hadrian's garden!"
Father: "Why aren't you doing very well in history?"History Jokes
Son: "Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!"
Teacher: "Who succeeded the first President of the USA?"Pupil Jokes
Pupil: "The second one!"
Jokes Schools / Math
Little Johnny: "I got 100 in school today."Little Johnny Jokes
Mother: "Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?"
Little Johnny: "Two things - I got 50 in spelling and 50 in history."
Mother: "Well, at least you can add!"
Teacher: "If I give you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?"Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny: "Nine."
Teacher: "That's not right, you'd have eight."
Little Johnny: "No, Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!"
Teacher: "If I had ten flies on my desk and I swatted one, how many would I have left?"Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny: "One, the others would have flown away!"
Short Jokes about Schools
Why do high school choruses travel so often?Assassin Jokes
Keeps assassins guessing.
Teacher: "Simon, can you spell your name backwards?"Simon Jokes
Simon: "No Mis!"
Teacher: "What are the Great Plains?"Pupil Jokes
Pupil: "747, Concorde and F-16!"
Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?High School Jokes
He thought it was a high school!
Teacher: "You missed school yesterday didn't you?"Pupil Jokes
Pupil: "Not very much!"
Where is the best place to have the sickroom at school?Sickrooms Jokes
Next to the canteen!
Teacher: "How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?"Pupil Jokes
Pupil: "I get up early!"
Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little attention!"Pupil Jokes
Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"
Teacher: "Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York harbour?"Pupil Jokes
Pupil: "Because it can't sit down!"
What not to say to the nice policeman:Cop Jokes
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Teacher: "Give me three reasons why the world is round!"Pupil Jokes
Pupil: "Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so!"
Long Jokes about Schools
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."Teacher Jokes
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy."Is it a peach?"Billy asks."No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking,"the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.Little Johnny Jokes
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
A blonde girl comes rushing home to her mum and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only count to 3 but I can count to 5. Look - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Does that mean I am special mummy?"Blonde Jokes
"Yes dear it does."
The next day the blonde girl comes running in again and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only say the alphabet from A to C but I can go until E. Look - A, B, C, D, E. Does that mean I am special mummy?"
"Yes dear it does."
The next day the blonde girl comes rushing home and says "Mummy mummy! Today at school we were getting changed for physical excercises and all the other girls had really flat chests but I had these ...!" She opens her blouse and reveals a humungous pair of DD breasts. "Is it because I am special mummy?"
"No dear it's because you are 25."
A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."Frog Jokes
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"New York Yankees Jokes
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.Asshole Jokes
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."
Little Susie comes home from school and tells her mum that the boys were asking her to do cartwheels and said she was very good.Knickers Jokes
Mum said: "Don't do them. The boys only want to see your knickers!"
Susie said: "I know which is why i put them in my bag!"
You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?Science Jokes
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Little Johnny: "I can't go to school today."Little Johnny Jokes
Father: "Why not?"
Little Johnny: "I don't feel well."
Father: "Where you don't feel well?"
Little Johnny: "In school!"
Pupil (on phone): "My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today."Pupil Jokes
School Secretary: "Who is this?"
Pupil: "This is my father speaking!"
Father: "How do you like going to school?"Going Jokes
Son: "The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!"
More Jokes about Schools
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"Child Jokes
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"Spanking Jokes
On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!"Teacher Jokes
The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.
Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"
Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.
The teacher suggested they try some biology questions ... "What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" asked the teacher.
"Legs!" Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher.
"Pockets!" said Larry.
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!"
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.Little Johnny Jokes
The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."God Jokes
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"Question Jokes
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
Teacher: "If 1 + 1 = 2 and 2 + 2 = 4, what is 4 + 4?"Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny: "That's not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!"
Pupil: "I don't think I deserved the 0 % you gave me for that test."Grade Jokes
Teacher: "Neither do I but its the lowest I could give!"
Little Johnny: "I'm not going back to school ever again!"Little Johnny Jokes
Mom: "Why not?"
Little Johnny: "The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!"
Father: "You've got 4 D's and a C on your report."Report Jokes
Son: "Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject!"
Mother: "What did you learn in school today?"Learning Jokes
Son: "How to write!"
Mother: "What did you write?"
Son: "I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!"
Father: "What did you learn in school today?"Learning Jokes
Son: "That three and three are seven."
Father: "Three and three are six!"
Son: "I guess I didn't learn anything today then!"