School Jokes
Top 50 Jokes about Schools



Contents

Jokes Schools / Little Johnny
Jokes Schools / Teachers
Jokes Schools / Pupils
Jokes Schools / History
Jokes Schools / Math
Short Jokes about Schools
Long Jokes about Schools
More Jokes about Schools

 Jokes   School Sayings




Jokes Schools / Little Johnny



Teacher: "How much is half of 8?"

Little Johnny: "Up and down or across?"

Teacher: "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny: "Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

Little Johnny Jokes    


Teacher: "Give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat and detail in it."

Little Johnny: "When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go before detail!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


Teacher: "What is the most common phrase used in school?"

Little Johnny: "I don't know!"

Teacher: "Correct!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


Teacher: "Fred can you find me America on the map please?"

Fred: "There it is!"

Teacher: "Now, Johnny, who discovered America?"

Little Johnny: "Fred did!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


Teacher: "Where was the Declaration of Independance signed?"

LIttle Johnny: "At the bottom!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


Teacher: "What are you going to be when you get out of school?"

Little Johnny: "An old man!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


Teacher: "Can you count to 10?"

Little Johnny: "Yes, teacher – one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten."

Teacher: "Now go on from there."

Little Johnny: "Jack, Queen, King."

Little Johnny Jokes    


Teacher: "What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?"

Little Johnny: "I don't know, I wasn't invited!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


Teacher: "What is an island?"

Little Johnny: "A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side."

Teacher: "On one side?"

Little Johnny: "Yes, on top!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


  Little Johnny Jokes  




Jokes Schools / Teachers



Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?

Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"

Teacher Jokes    


"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

Idiot Jokes    


Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."

Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"

Teacher Jokes    


The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.

But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.

Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.

Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.

Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Penis Jokes    


Teacher: Susie, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'.

Susie: "I is ..."

Teacher: "No, no, no, don't say 'I is', you say 'I am'".

Susie: "OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Alphabet Jokes    


Sam: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"

Teacher: "No, of course not."

Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."

Homework Jokes    


Teacher: "Did you parents help you with these homework problems?"

Little Johnny: "No I got them all wrong by myself!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


Teacher: "I hope I didn't see you copying from David's work!"

Little Johnny: "I hope you didn't too!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


Mother: "How was your first day at school?"

Son: "It was all right except for some men called teachers who kept spoiling all our fun!"

Teacher Jokes    


Pupil: "My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were."

Mother: "Well next time remember where you put things!"

Pupil Jokes    


  Teacher Jokes  




Jokes Schools / Pupils



Teacher: "In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question."

Pupil: "How long for the answers sir!"

Pupil Jokes    


Father: "How are your grades, son?"

Son: "Under water, Dad."

Father: "Under water? What do you mean?"

Son: "They're below C level."

Grade Jokes    


Teacher: "Can anyone tell me what sort of animal a slug is?"

Pupil: "It's a snail with a housing problem!"

Slugs Jokes    


"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?"

"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

Excuse Jokes    


Teacher: "Why were you late?"

Pupil: "Sorry, I overslept."

Techer: "You mean you need to sleep at home too!"

Pupil Jokes    


Teacher: "The word politics - can you give me an example of how to use it?"

Pupil: "My parrot swallowed a watch and now Polly ticks!"

Pupil Jokes    


Teacher: "What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?"

Pupil: "Dead? I didn't even know it was sick!"

Pupil Jokes    


Mother: "Let me see your report son."

Son: "Here it is, Mother, but don't show it to Dad. He's been helping me!"

Report Jokes    


Teacher: "What is a comet?"

Pupil: "A star with a tail!"

Teacher: "Can you name one?"

Pupil: "Lassie!"

Pupil Jokes    


Teacher: "What do we call the outer part of a tree?"

Pupil: "Don't know Miss!"

Teacher: "Bark, silly, bark!"

Pupil: "Woof, woof!"

Pupil Jokes    


  Pupil Jokes  




Jokes Schools / History



Father: "How did you do in your tests?"

Son: "I did what George Washington did!"

Father: "What was that?"

Son: "Went down in history!"

George Washington Jokes    


Yo momma is so old that when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo Momma Jokes    


Teacher: "Who can tell me where Hadrians' Wall is?"

Little Johnny: "I suspect it's around Hadrian's garden!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


Father: "Why aren't you doing very well in history?"

Son: "Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!"

History Jokes    


Teacher: "Who succeeded the first President of the USA?"

Pupil: "The second one!"

Pupil Jokes    


  History Jokes  




Jokes Schools / Math



Little Johnny: "I got 100 in school today."

Mother: "Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?"

Little Johnny: "Two things - I got 50 in spelling and 50 in history."

Mother: "Well, at least you can add!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


Teacher: "If I give you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?"

Little Johnny: "Nine."

Teacher: "That's not right, you'd have eight."

Little Johnny: "No, Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


Teacher: "If I had ten flies on my desk and I swatted one, how many would I have left?"

Little Johnny: "One, the others would have flown away!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


  Math Jokes  




Short Jokes about Schools



The food in our school canteen is perfect.

If you are a bug!

School Food Jokes    


Why do high school choruses travel so often?

Keeps assassins guessing.

Assassin Jokes    


Teacher: "Simon, can you spell your name backwards?"

Simon: "No Mis!"

Simon Jokes    


Teacher: "What are the Great Plains?"

Pupil: "747, Concorde and F-16!"

Pupil Jokes    


Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?

He thought it was a high school!

High School Jokes    


Teacher: "You missed school yesterday didn't you?"

Pupil: "Not very much!"

Pupil Jokes    


Where is the best place to have the sickroom at school?

Next to the canteen!

Sickrooms Jokes    


Teacher: "How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?"

Pupil: "I get up early!"

Pupil Jokes    


Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little attention!"

Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"

Pupil Jokes    


Teacher: "Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York harbour?"

Pupil: "Because it can't sit down!"

Pupil Jokes    


What not to say to the nice policeman:

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Cop Jokes    


Teacher: "Give me three reasons why the world is round!"

Pupil: "Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so!"

Pupil Jokes    


  Short jokes  




Long Jokes about Schools



One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy."Is it a peach?"Billy asks."No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking,"the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

Teacher Jokes    


It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

Little Johnny Jokes    


A blonde girl comes rushing home to her mum and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only count to 3 but I can count to 5. Look - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Does that mean I am special mummy?"

"Yes dear it does."

The next day the blonde girl comes running in again and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only say the alphabet from A to C but I can go until E. Look - A, B, C, D, E. Does that mean I am special mummy?"

"Yes dear it does."

The next day the blonde girl comes rushing home and says "Mummy mummy! Today at school we were getting changed for physical excercises and all the other girls had really flat chests but I had these ...!" She opens her blouse and reveals a humungous pair of DD breasts. "Is it because I am special mummy?"

"No dear it's because you are 25."

Blonde Jokes    


A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

Frog Jokes    


A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"

"The Red Sox."

"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."

"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"

"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

New York Yankees Jokes    


A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."

Asshole Jokes    


Little Susie comes home from school and tells her mum that the boys were asking her to do cartwheels and said she was very good.

Mum said: "Don't do them. The boys only want to see your knickers!"

Susie said: "I know which is why i put them in my bag!"

Knickers Jokes    


You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?

If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Science Jokes    


Little Johnny: "I can't go to school today."

Father: "Why not?"

Little Johnny: "I don't feel well."

Father: "Where you don't feel well?"

Little Johnny: "In school!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


Pupil (on phone): "My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today."

School Secretary: "Who is this?"

Pupil: "This is my father speaking!"

Pupil Jokes    


Father: "How do you like going to school?"

Son: "The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!"

Going Jokes    


  Long jokes  




More Jokes about Schools



The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

Child Jokes    


Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

Spanking Jokes    


On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!"

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions ... "What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" asked the teacher.

"Legs!" Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher.

"Pockets!" said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!"

Teacher Jokes    


A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

God Jokes    


Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"

Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

Question Jokes    


Teacher: "If 1 + 1 = 2 and 2 + 2 = 4, what is 4 + 4?"

Little Johnny: "That's not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


Pupil: "I don't think I deserved the 0 % you gave me for that test."

Teacher: "Neither do I but its the lowest I could give!"

Grade Jokes    


Little Johnny: "I'm not going back to school ever again!"

Mom: "Why not?"

Little Johnny: "The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!"

Little Johnny Jokes    


Father: "You've got 4 D's and a C on your report."

Son: "Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject!"

Report Jokes    


Mother: "What did you learn in school today?"

Son: "How to write!"

Mother: "What did you write?"

Son: "I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!"

Learning Jokes    


Father: "What did you learn in school today?"

Son: "That three and three are seven."

Father: "Three and three are six!"

Son: "I guess I didn't learn anything today then!"

Learning Jokes    


 






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