A guy was walking around the office Christmas party belting down drink after drink. But every ten or fifteen minutes, he reached into his shirt pocket, pulled something out, took a look at it, then put it back in his pocket.
Finally, a friend came up to him and said: "George, I've been watching you all night, and I have to ask what's in your shirt pocket?"
"It's a picture of my wife."
"Why do you keep looking at it?"
"Because," George replied: "When she finally starts looking good, it's time to go home!"
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asks the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
A husband buys his wife a car for Christmas ...
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"