Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat?"
Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.
"What?! You shouldn't have broken the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me she was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get her down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny.
Bobby apologized and went about his day.
About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny?"
There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof."
Touring the city was a tour guide and a bus full of elderly people. 30 minutes into the tour, the guide feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns back only to find an elderly woman offering a handful of peanuts. With gratitute, he accepts and thanks the old woman.
Another 15 minutes and the same thing happens. This happens around 4 times. As the guide is offered again for the fifth time. He is now wondering, "Thank you, but why do you buy the peanuts if you do not eat them?", and the granny answers, "We just like the chocolate on them!"
One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she brought in her dog and she got the dog food.
The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.
Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
Johnny asks his grandpa, "do you still have sex with granny?"
Grandpa says, "Yes, but only oral."
Johnny asks, "What is oral?"
Grandpa says, "I say fuck you, she says fuck you, too."