Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
What does a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
A man says to his wife: "Tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
His wife replies: "You have a bigger willy than your brother!"