When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long aligator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the aligator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"
Three guys meet after work at a bar. They all get pretty hammered and eventually split up. The next morning they gather around the watercooler and tell of their exploits from the previous night. Guy #1 "I was so drunk last night I couldn't even get up my front steps. My wife found me on the porch and gave me hell! Guy #2 "That's nothing. I stumbled home, dropped my key, couldn't find it so I banged on my front door, turns out I went to the wrong house. The guy who answered the door was so mad he punched me and I fell onto his garden gnome butt first! They all looked at the third guy who said nothing. "Wellllllll???" they asked. Guy #3 said, "I went home and blew chunks". They all laughed, "That's nothing!" Guy #3 "No, no, you don't understand...Chunks is my dog." ~ Gnome De Plume