A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know" she says "im gonna get tits too you dirty old bastard!"
One day a man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. The waitress brought his order out to him on a tray with her middle finger immersed in the middle of his soup bowl.
"What the hell's the idea of putting your finger in my soup bowl?" the man bellowed at the waitress.
"My doctor said the best thing for my rheumatism was to keep my finger pressed in a warm damp place," the waitress informed him.
"Oh yeah," the man shouted, "then why don't you take that finger of yours and shove it up your fat ass?"
"I'm sorry sir the waitress replied, but I already tried that before I brought your soup out."