There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks: "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks: "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says: "Oh! They were drinking, huh?!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience: "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly. 3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time. 4) First draw your curves, then plot your data. 5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined. 6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working. 7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance. 8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question. 9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 10) Do not believe in miracles--rely on them. 11) Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else. 12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons. 13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example. 14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats. 6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.