You jokes

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.

No fee, Chen Lee.

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

“Did you get that for your birthday?” He asked.

“No!” Jimmy replied.

“Well did you get it for Christmas then?” Johnny asked.

“No!”.

“You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“No!” said Jimmy.

“I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch.

He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents’ room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily: “What do you want now?”

“I cannot sleep there's water in my bed”. Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said: “Fine! Stand at the corner keep quiet and wait!”.