On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.32 Heaven Jokes
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
A woman with triplets pregnancy is taken as hostage during a stickup at the bank. The robber shoots her three times in the stomach before he is arrested by armed police. Amazingly, the woman finds out all her babies have survived. She gives birth to 2 girls and a boy.30 Bullet Jokes
15 years later, she comes home from work to find her first daughter crying. When she asks her what's wrong, her daughter tells her she went for a wee and a bullet came out. She reassures her this is normal, and tells her the bizarre story.
The next day, she finds her second daughter crying, who also says she went for a wee and a bullet came out. Once again she tells the story.
The day after that, she finds her son crying, and asks him if he went for a wee and had a bullet come out. He looks at her confused and replies ''No - I was having a wank and I shot the dog!''
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."30 Politics Jokes
Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."
What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?15 Lawyer Jokes
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then closed and went back into the house.24 Blonde JokesNext page JokesWrong Sayings
A little later she came out of her house again and went to the mail box. She opened and shut it again. Angrily, she went back to the house.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her: "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied: "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying: 'You've got mail!'"