86 jokes about wives
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"37 → Joke
The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.36 → Joke
"So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth
child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."
A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"33 → Joke
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
A husband buys his wife a car for Christmas ...69 → Joke
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said: "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."35 → Joke
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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