200 jokes about ways
62 → Joke
arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus
." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
34 → Joke
dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell
and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God
up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer
58 → Joke
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married
, a couple has a fatal car accident
. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven
. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer
39 → Joke
ran up to a Nun
. Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt I'll explain later."
The nun accepted his request.
A moment later, two Military Police ran up and asked: "Sister have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied: "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. I hope you will understand, "I don't want to go to Iraq
The nun said: "I understand completely".
The soldier added: "I hope I am not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of ballsI don't want to go to Iraq either."
59 → Joke
Lenny went on vacation
and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat
Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.
"What?! You shouldn't have broken the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me she was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get her down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny.
Bobby apologized and went about his day.
About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny
There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof."