A young woman
in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor
saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry
Bill Gates met God
, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven
or to Hell
. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows
. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?"
Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven."
God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven.
Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell."
"As you wish," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.
Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver."
's last words
1) And now the tasting test ...
2) And now shake it a bit ...
3) In which glass was my mineral water?
4) Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
5) And now the detonating gas problem.
6) This is a completely safe experimental setup.
7) Now you can take the protection window away ...
8) Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
9) And now a cigarette ...