Us - 729 jokes
55 → Joke
and his ever-nagging wife
went on vacation to Jerusalem
. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead
. I just can’t take
46 → Joke
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar
bill in one hand and two quarters
in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
57 → Joke
morning a cop
on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid
on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa
bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse
you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick
underneath the horse, instead of on top."
47 → Joke
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters
used to define bra
sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed:
A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake
59 → Joke
was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard him say:
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three"
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math
. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.
The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. She told her about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said that. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say: one and one, the sum-of-which is two!"
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