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politician
A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party.

"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through … Why change now?"

The man leaned forward and explained: "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."

19    


"Tell me a bedtime story."

"Fuck you."

"That's my favourite."

108    


Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say: ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked: ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said: ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says: ''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said: ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says: ''If it had happened two days ago, I would be dead now!"

43    


Proposal

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'

The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'

When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'

9    


money
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

49    


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