Teacher Jokes
Top 50 Jokes about Teachers

Teacher: "How much is half of 8?"

Little Johnny: "Up and down or across?"

Teacher: "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny: "Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!"

The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"

Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said, "Yes."

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number ..."

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Teacher: "Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago?"

Little Johnny: "Me!"

Teacher: "Fred can you find me America on the map please?"

Fred: "There it is!"

Teacher: "Now, Johnny, who discovered America?"

Little Johnny: "Fred did!"

Teacher: "I told you to write this poem out 10 times to improve your handwriting and you've only done it 7 times?"

Little Johnny: "Looks like my counting isn't too good either!"

Teacher: "I'm glad to see your writing has improved."

Little Johnny: "Thank you!"

Teacher: "Now I can see how bad your spelling is though!"

Teacher: "I told you to stand at the end of the line?"

Little Johnny: "I tried, but there was someone already there!"

Teacher: "Would you at the back of the room stop passing notes!"

Little Johnny: "We're not passing notes. We're playing cards!"

Teacher: "Where does your mother come from?"

Little Johnny: "Alaska!"

Teacher: "Don't worry, I'll ask her myself!"

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?

Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"

"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?"

"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

Sam: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"

Teacher: "No, of course not."

Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."

Teacher: Susie, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'.

Susie: "I is ..."

Teacher: "No, no, no, don't say 'I is', you say 'I am'".

Susie: "OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."

Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"

Teacher: "Where was the Declaration of Independance signed?"

LIttle Johnny: "At the bottom!"

Teacher: "What are you going to be when you get out of school?"

Little Johnny: "An old man!"

Teacher: "Did you parents help you with these homework problems?"

Little Johnny: "No I got them all wrong by myself!"

Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"

"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.

"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.

"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.

Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".

The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"

Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"

Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Teacher: "Please don't whistle while studying."

Student: "Oh, but I'm not studying - just whistling!"

Pupil: "I don't think I deserved the 0 % you gave me for that test."

Teacher: "Neither do I but its the lowest I could give!"

Teacher: "Can anyone tell me what sort of animal a slug is?"

Pupil: "It's a snail with a housing problem!"

Teacher: "Why were you late?"

Pupil: "Sorry, I overslept."

Techer: "You mean you need to sleep at home too!"

"Why does your geography exam have a big zero over it."

"It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!"

Teacher: "How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?"

Pupil: "I get up early!"

Teacher: "What do we call the outer part of a tree?"

Pupil: "Don't know Miss!"

Teacher: "Bark, silly, bark!"

Pupil: "Woof, woof!"

Teacher: "What is a comet?"

Pupil: "A star with a tail!"

Teacher: "Can you name one?"

Pupil: "Lassie!"

Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little attention!"

Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"

Teacher: "Why are you the only one in class today?"

Pupil: "Because I missed school dinner yesterday!"

Pupil: "My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were."

Mother: "Well next time remember where you put things!"

Teacher: "If you add 3452 and 3096, then divide the answer by 4 and multiply by 6, what would you get?"

Little Johnny: "The wrong answer!"

Teacher: "If 1 + 1 = 2 and 2 + 2 = 4, what is 4 + 4?"

Little Johnny: "That's not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!"

Mother: "How was math today?"

Little Johnny: "Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days she asked us how much is two and two. We told her it was four. But she still doesn't know. Today she asked us again!"

Teacher: "If I give you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?"

Little Johnny: "Nine."

Teacher: "That's not right, you'd have eight."

Little Johnny: "No, Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!"

Teacher: "If I had ten flies on my desk and I swatted one, how many would I have left?"

Little Johnny: "One, the others would have flown away!"

Teacher: "What is the most common phrase used in school?"

Little Johnny: "I don't know!"

Teacher: "Correct!"

Teacher: "You copied from Fred's exam paper didn't you?"

Little Johnny: "How did you know?"

Teacher: "Fred's paper says 'I don't know' and you have added 'Me, neither'!"

Little Johnny: "I'm not going back to school ever again!"

Mom: "Why not?"

Little Johnny: "The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!"

Teacher: "Who can tell me where Hadrians' Wall is?"

Little Johnny: "I suspect it's around Hadrian's garden!"

Father: "Why aren't you doing very well in history?"

Son: "Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!"

Teacher: "Who succeeded the first President of the USA?"

Pupil: "The second one!"

Teacher: "Name two pronouns?"

Little Johnny: "Who? Me?"

Teacher: "When do astronauts eat?"

Pupil: "At launch time!"

Teacher: "Simon, can you spell your name backwards?"

Simon: "No Mis!"

Teacher: "What are the Great Plains?"

Pupil: "747, Concorde and F-16!"

Teacher: "What can we do to stop water pollution?"

Little Johnny: "Stop taking baths?"

Teacher: "How can you prove the world is round?"

Little Johnny: "I didn't say it was!"

Teacher: "What came after the Stone Age and the Bronze Age?"

Little Johnny: "The sausage!"

Teacher: "What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?"

Little Johnny: "I don't know, I wasn't invited!"

Teacher: "I hope I didn't see you copying from David's work!"

Little Johnny: "I hope you didn't too!"

Teacher: "Do you want to borrow a pocket calculator?"

Pupil: "No thanks I know how many pockets I have!"

Teacher: "This note from your father looks like your handwriting?"

Little Johnny: "Well, yes, he borrowed my pen!"

My teacher pointed me with his ruler and said: "At the end of this ruler there's an idiot!"

I got detention after asking which end.

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy."Is it a peach?"Billy asks."No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking,"the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!"

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions ... "What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" asked the teacher.

"Legs!" Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher.

"Pockets!" said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!"

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.

But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.

Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.

Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.

Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"

"The Red Sox."

"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."

"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"

"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

Teacher: "Can you count to 10?"

Little Johnny: "Yes, teacher – one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten."

Teacher: "Now go on from there."

Little Johnny: "Jack, Queen, King."

Teacher: "If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be?"

Little Johnny: "None!"

Teacher (surprised): "Why not?"

Little Johnny: "Because you can't lay eggs!"

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain that I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Teacher: "Great news, we have a test today, come rain or shine."

Little Johnny smiles.

Teacher: "So what's so funny about it?"

Little Johnny: "It's snowing!"

Mother: "How was your first day at school?"

Son: "It was all right except for some men called teachers who kept spoiling all our fun!"

Teacher: "I told you to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?"

Little Johnny: "Yes, the cow ate all the grass!"

Teacher: "Give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat and detail in it."

Little Johnny: "When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go before detail!"

Teacher: "The word politics - can you give me an example of how to use it?"

Pupil: "My parrot swallowed a watch and now Polly ticks!"