One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he is her half brother.
The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off.
She goes to her mom and says: "Mom what have you been doing all your life time? Dad has been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!"
Her mom replies: "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad!"
One day a man is watering his garden and notices two hearst drive by followed by a man, a dog and a long single file of men that could easily be a mile long.
Curious he decides to talk to the man leading the way.
"Excuse me" he says "who is the person in the first hearst?""My wife" he answered.
"Sorry to hear that. How did she die?" he asked.
"My dog bit her".
"and who's in the second hearst?"
"How did she die?"
"My dog bit her."
Astonished at this the man asked "May I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line!"
who was known as Churchill
's main rival in parliament
was giving a speech
. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep
while I talk?" Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."
So there's this guy who meets a girl in a bar. They talk most of the night and arrange to get together the next night for a date. He tells her he'll come by about 7 on his motorcycle that he's buying tomorrow.
So he goes and buys this bike, but it's an older bike. The guy he's buying it from tells him to get some Vaseline
to put on the points when it rains to keep them from rusting. So he stops at the drugstore on the way to this girls house and gets some Vaseline.
He gets to the girls house and is invited in to dinner
with her parents and younger sister. His date tells him "We have a rule in this house. Whoever talks first at dinner has to do ALL the dishes
." He looks around and there are dishes piled EVERYWHERE, ceiling to floor, new dishes in the shelves cause they buy new ones because no one has talked at dinner for several years. He's thinking "Damn. I gotta make somebody talk, or I'm gonna get stuck doing all these dishes."
They get to the dinner table and he's trying to think of how to make somebody talk. So, he reaches over and starts playing with his dates panties under the table. Her dad sees this, and is obviously pissed off, but doesn't say a word. (He doesn't want to do these dishes.)
Seeing this isn't working, he picks his date up and lays her up on the table, rips her panties off, and starts fuckin
. Dad's REAL pissed off now, but still doesn't say anything.
He's thinkin, "Hmmm. Try something else." So he grabs Mom, tosses her up on the table, goes to work. Dad's mad as HELL now, but still doesn't say anything. This guys gettin desperate, so he grabs little sister ... tosses her up on the table. Dad's REAL pissed off now, looking around the room, trying to find his shotgun ... still not a word, though.
Just then, there's this big clap of thunder outside. The guy remembers the points on the bike, and it's about to rain. He jumps up, grabs the Vaseline. Moving towards the door, he accidently makes eye contact with the Dad. Dad's eyes get big, and he stands up and says, "ALRIGHT!!! I'll do the damn dishes."
No one in this town could catch any fish
except this one man
. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing
the next day ...
Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite
, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.
The game warden told him that this was illegal
The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"