Suicide jokes

8 jokes about suicides


A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

71     → Joke

Two blondes were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Betty.

"Bet you $10 he won't," replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second blonde hands the first her money.

"I can't take your money," said Betty. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

"No, no. Take it," said Amber. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

43     → Joke

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly ... "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

39     → Joke

I heard Rex Grossman tried to kill himself after the Super Bowl ...

He couldn't go through with it though. He kept dropping the gun ...

23     → Joke


A guy notices a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar watching the news. He thinks to himself "ok ill have some funn with her" so he goes over there and he notices that the news has a report saying that a guy is about to jump off a building thats three stories high. the guy tells the blonde that he'll make a deal with her that the guy on the news will jump. the blonde simply accepts the deal.

later on in the news they notice that the guy has jumped off the building.
the guy proclaims that the blonde owes him something cuz she has lost the bet and she replys saying

"i didnt think he would jump again"

6     → Joke

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