Smoking jokes

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

The bus driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars.

Suddenly, a baby starts crying.

"Come on kid," the bus driver said "you're only 6 months old, you can make it without a cigarette."

An Alcoholic, a Chain Smoker and a Homosexual go to the doctor.

The doctor says: "If any of you indulge one more time you'll die."

As they walk home they pass a bar. The Alcoholic has a shot of whiskey, falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.

As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning. The Homosexual looks at the Chain Smoker and says: "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day: The first worm - dead. Second worm - dead. Third worm - dead. Fourth worm - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."