John hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"8 Toasts Jokes
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "What was your toast?"
John said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
Teacher: "Why were you late?"3 Pupil Jokes
Pupil: "Sorry, I overslept."
Techer: "You mean you need to sleep at home too!"
A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.13 Sex Jokes
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.5 Tooth Jokes
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck."
"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed."
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners.8 Sex Jokes JokesSleep Sayings
The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through. Finally the salesman could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, "Knock it off, there's other people trying to get some sleep!"
From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said, "Yell louder, mister, she can't hear you!"