45 jokes about sleep
26 Bill Clinton jokes
An official Gallup survey
polled over 1000 women
with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
15 Walmart jokes
One day I got hired to be a Walmart
greeter. I was doing a fine job untill a women
with her two kids came in.
This women was very ugly, fat, and disgusting. She kept yelling at her two kids, cussing all over the place.
I walked up to her and said, "excuse me mam, what lovely kids you have, are they twins
She cussed at me and said, "what are you fucking retarded, anyone with eyes can tell that they aren't twins, one's 7 and the other is 9!"
I though about this for some seconds and responded, "I didn't think they looked like twins but I just couldn't believe someone would want to sleep with you twice
That was my first and last day being a Walmart greeter.
19 nightclub jokes
A very shy guy goes into a nightclub
and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar
. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology
and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?!
20 sex jokes
Paul and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Paul that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven
is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.
A few days later, as Paul's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Paul asks.
"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex
to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."
25 zoo jokesNext page Jokessleep sayings
One day an out of work mime
was visiting the zoo
, where he attempted to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.
The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla
named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job
to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.
The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion
in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.
Help, Help me!" he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he whispered, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?