Sex Jokes

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"

Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea. Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!"

Dianne goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is."

"That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."