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Second jokes

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One day I got hired to be a Walmart greeter. I was doing a fine job untill a women with her two kids came in.

This women was very ugly, fat, and disgusting. She kept yelling at her two kids, cussing all over the place.

I walked up to her and said, "excuse me mam, what lovely kids you have, are they twins?"

She cussed at me and said, "what are you fucking retarded, anyone with eyes can tell that they aren't twins, one's 7 and the other is 9!"

I though about this for some seconds and responded, "I didn't think they looked like twins but I just couldn't believe someone would want to sleep with you twice."

That was my first and last day being a Walmart greeter.

15     → Joke


"Doctor doctor; I only got sixty seconds to live ..."

"Can you wait there for a minute please!"

38     → Joke


A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

26     → Joke


A house, inhabited by a Greek on ground level, an Italian on first floor and a German on second, got on fire. Who survived?

The German. He was out practicing marching.

38     → Joke


Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. Last week I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. This week I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. Yesterday I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

37     → Joke



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