92 jokes about seconds
20 → Joke
for a second time, a war
correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban
who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men
if this was a sign of growing equality
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
44 → Joke
are trapped on an island
. They find a genie
's lamp and agree they will each get a wish
The first man wishes he was 25% smarter, then he swims off the island.
The second man wishes he was 50% smarter, then he cut down the tree, made a boat, and rowed off the island.
The third man wished he was 100% smarter, then he walked across the bridge
43 → Joke
were in a bar
watching the television
when the news
came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Betty.
"Bet you $10 he won't," replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second blonde hands the first her money.
"I can't take your money," said Betty. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no. Take it," said Amber. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb
enough to jump again!"
40 → Joke
finds a genie
's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes
, but your husband
will get ten times more than what you wished for."
The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?"
"That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted.
Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks.
"That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.
The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.
24 → Joke
and a woman
, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket
? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
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