92 jokes about seconds
23 → Joke
and a woman
, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket
? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
32 → Joke
throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool
any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators
. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO
(Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"
43 → Joke
There were three babies
in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting
37 → Joke
A woman with triplets pregnancy is taken as hostage during a stickup at the bank. The robber shoots her three times in the stomach before he is arrested by armed police. Amazingly, the woman finds out all her babies have survived. She gives birth to 2 girls and a boy.
15 years later, she comes home from work to find her first daughter crying. When she asks her what's wrong, her daughter tells her she went for a wee and a bullet
came out. She reassures her this is normal, and tells her the bizarre story.
The next day, she finds her second daughter crying, who also says she went for a wee and a bullet came out. Once again she tells the story.
The day after that, she finds her son crying, and asks him if he went for a wee and had a bullet come out. He looks at her confused and replies ''No - I was having a wank and I shot the dog!''
43 → Joke
finds a genie
's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes
, but your husband
will get ten times more than what you wished for."
The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?"
"That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted.
Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks.
"That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.
The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.