86 jokes about seconds
21 Adam jokesProposal
After a few days, the Lord
called to Adam
and said, "It is time for you and Eve
to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.8 Short jokes
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful and offered the kids their wish.
The first kid said, "I would like to go to Disneyland."
George said: "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One!"
The second kid said: "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said: "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said: "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
George is a little perplexed by this and says: "But you don't look like you are injured."
The kid says: "I will be immediately, after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"
9 pensioners jokesProposal
Two old pensioners
are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this – not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking
fence wasn't electrified."
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.5 Short jokes
His wife was really angry and told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, and it better be there!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
22 army jokesNext page Jokessecond sayings
At one Army
base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness
test was still on as planned. One soldier
mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot
, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"