87 jokes about seconds
28 beer jokesProposal
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents
, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were: "Oh, Shit
Only the state of Alabama
was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer
and watch this!"
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.12 Short jokes
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful and offered the kids their wish.
The first kid said, "I would like to go to Disneyland."
George said: "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One!"
The second kid said: "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said: "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said: "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
George is a little perplexed by this and says: "But you don't look like you are injured."
The kid says: "I will be immediately, after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"
19 lawyer jokes
are in a bank
, when, suddenly, armed robbers
burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money
from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
24 duck jokesProposal
Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler.
Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. "All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: "DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS
Confused, they all ask "Um ... what?"
St. Peter says "If you step on one duck, it quacks. If a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and ... well ... you'll see."
With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven
is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.
A day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. Seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. It's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. Hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a very ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping.
Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.
She gets the same punishment as the first lady.
The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. Then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her.
Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully "What did I do to deserve this?"
And the man replies with a grimace, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.8 Short jokesNext page Jokessecond sayings
His wife was really angry and told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, and it better be there!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.