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Three blonde friends die together in a car wreck. They find themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He warns them that before they can enter heaven, they have to tell him what Easter is about.

The first blonde says, "Easter is a holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," groans St. Peter. "You don't get in."

The second blonde says, "Easter is the holiday where we decorate a tree with pretty ornaments and give each other presents."

"Nooooo," groans St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

The third blonde says, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with his disciples, he was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified him on a cross. After he died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

"Very good!" says St. Peter.

But the blonde continues. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of winter."

14     blonde jokes


At an army training camp in Florida, the sergeant is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment." An alligator came in the room and bit the sergeants penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.

"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the sergeant. A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."

27     army jokes


Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"

The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."

19     lawyer jokes


A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

27     manager jokes


There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

28     money jokes






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