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A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."

28     → Joke


How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

1) Three. One to prosecute, one to defend, one to screw it the same way they do everything else.
2) How many can you afford?

13     → Joke


Proposal

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

5     → Joke


A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are interviewing for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.

First, the panel of scientists asks the brunette, "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you choose and why?" She answers promptly, "I would go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

Next, the panel asks the redhead the same question. Without any hesitation, she replies, "I'd like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."

Finally, the NASA scientists ask the blonde the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. After pondering for several minutes, she finally answers, "I would go to the sun."

Several scientists suppress a laugh, but the lead interviewer, trying to take the blonde seriously, explains, "Well, if you went to the sun, you'd burn to death almost instantaneously."

The blond smirks and puts her hands on her hips. "Don't be stupid! I'd go at night!"

7     → Joke


Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

Samson. He brought the house down.

7     → Joke




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