71 jokes about sam
37 sex jokes
One day about a month ago, President
Bush was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde
, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"
She replied, $200."
To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100.
He then asked the redhead.
Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes
, my panties as low as my wages
, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."
38 computer jokes
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow
hurts. I better go to the doctor
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer
at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine
sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs
. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.
32 marriage jokes
and a woman
, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket
? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
36 pope jokes
and the Pope
died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven
and the Pope gets sent to hell
. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.
Pope: "Sorry about the mix up."
President Clinton: "No problem."
Pope: "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven."
President Clinton: "Why's that? It's not that great."
Pope: "All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
President Clinton: "Sorry, Your Holiness, You're a day late."
31 woman jokesNext page Jokes
Why do men
they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs
chase cars they have no intention of driving