Running - 16 jokes
At one Army
base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness
test was still on as planned. One soldier
mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot
, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten Bitch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
girl comes rushing home to her mum and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school
everyone could only count to 3 but I can count to 5. Look - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Does that mean I am special mummy?"
"Yes dear it does."
The next day the blonde girl comes running in again and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only say the alphabet from A to C but I can go until E. Look - A, B, C, D, E. Does that mean I am special mummy?"
"Yes dear it does."
The next day the blonde girl comes rushing home and says "Mummy mummy! Today at school we were getting changed for physical excercises and all the other girls had really flat chests but I had these ...!" She opens her blouse and reveals a humungous pair of DD breasts
. "Is it because I am special mummy?"
"No dear it's because you are 25."
Bill Gates met God
, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven
or to Hell
. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?"
Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven."
God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven.
Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell."
"As you wish," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.
Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver."