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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

33     Sex Jokes


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

34     Animal Jokes


A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."

24     Penis Jokes


The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ...'. And here I am."

24     Cowboy Jokes


A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.

Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."

21     Soldier Jokes






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