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The tensions of life were threatening to get a strangle hold on Bill, and after he'd finished a good dinner, he relaxed mindlessly in a soft chair next to the stereo, with a stiff drink in his hand. His wife knew nothing of his nervous state, and she climbed onto his lap with the thought of trying to wheedle a fur coat out of him, and snuggled and murmured and fondled.

"Good heavens, Ethel," he exploded, "get off of me! I get enough of this at the office."

20     sex jokes


Proposal

Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, and says, "I've some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer. I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order." Nathan is initially shocked, but then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor's office. His son Max is waiting for him.

"Max," says Nathan, "we celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good. In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer, so I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks." 4 or 5 glasses of whisky later, the two are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more glasses of whisky, they are approached by two of Nathan's club mates, curious as to what Nathan and Max are celebrating.

Nathan tells them, "Guys, we're drinking to my impending death. I've been diagnosed with AIDS." His club mates are shocked. They give Nathan their condolences, have a couple of beers and leave. Max then says, "Dad, you tell me you're dying of cancer yet you tell your friends you're dying of AIDS. I don't understand."

Nathan replies, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

11     Short jokes


Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said: "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed: "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked: "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said: "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

13     husband jokes


There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

16     beer jokes


John hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "What was your toast?"

John said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

8     toasts jokes






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