24 jokes about ranges
What is the range of a Viola
As far as you can kick
gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten Bitch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said: "Let's talk, I am sure that flights are faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?" The girl asked.
"Ok," he said "That could be an interesting topic!"
The girl continues: "But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"The stranger thinks about it and says:"Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies:"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit
A couple on honeymoon in hotel room undressing. The groom removes his socks and the bride asks: "What's wrong with your feet, your toes look all mangled?"59
Groom: "I had Tolio as a child."
Bride: "You mean Polio?"
Groom: "No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes."
The groom then removes his pants and the bride asks: "What is wrong with your knees, they are lumpy and deformed?"
Groom: "As a child I had Kneasles."
Bride: "You mean Measles?"
Groom: "No Kneasles, a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The Bride then removes his boxers and the bride asks: "Why are you spotted?"
Groom: "As a child I had smallpox."
Bride: "I hope you don't mean SmallCox!"
A wealthy man was having an affair
with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."