26 jokes about presidents
An official Gallup survey
polled over 1000 women
with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
Three soldiers wounded in Iraq come home and are greeted by President Obama. He thanks them for their service, but tells them that, because of budget cuts, there have been some changes to the way you will be compensated for your wounds. You will be paid $100 per inch from any one part of your body to any other part of your body, you get to choose the parts.6
The first soldier, somewhat disappointed, says "Measure from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.", he is measured, and paid.
The second soldier says, with his arms stretched wide, "Measure from the tip of my left hand to the tip of my right." He is measured, and paid.
The third soldier smiles happily, and says, "I want you to measure from the head of my penis to my testicles." Somewhat confused, President Obama says, "Whatever you say, soldier, drop your pants." The President looks, and sees that the soldiers testicles are actually missing. After a moment, Barack regains his composure, and asks "Where are they son?" The Soldier looks at the president, smiles, and says, "Baghdad."
It is near the end of the school
year. The teacher
has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
and the Pope
died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven
and the Pope gets sent to hell
. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.
Pope: "Sorry about the mix up."
President Clinton: "No problem."
Pope: "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven."
President Clinton: "Why's that? It's not that great."
Pope: "All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
President Clinton: "Sorry, Your Holiness, You're a day late."
After a meeting with the Pope
, Bill Clinton held a press conference and announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on about 60% of what they discussed.
When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: "The Ten Commandments