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Police jokes

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Crime doesn't pay ...

Does that mean my job is a crime?

14     → Joke


The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

21     → Joke


A soldier ran up to a Nun. Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt I'll explain later."

The nun accepted his request.

A moment later, two Military Police ran up and asked: "Sister have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied: "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. I hope you will understand, "I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said: "I understand completely".

The soldier added: "I hope I am not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of ballsI don't want to go to Iraq either."

54     → Joke


A woman with triplets pregnancy is taken as hostage during a stickup at the bank. The robber shoots her three times in the stomach before he is arrested by armed police. Amazingly, the woman finds out all her babies have survived. She gives birth to 2 girls and a boy.

15 years later, she comes home from work to find her first daughter crying. When she asks her what's wrong, her daughter tells her she went for a wee and a bullet came out. She reassures her this is normal, and tells her the bizarre story.

The next day, she finds her second daughter crying, who also says she went for a wee and a bullet came out. Once again she tells the story.

The day after that, she finds her son crying, and asks him if he went for a wee and had a bullet come out. He looks at her confused and replies ''No - I was having a wank and I shot the dog!''

47     → Joke


An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38! Turn from your sin!"

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman immediately called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"

8     → Joke



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