Please - 49 jokes
16 → Joke
, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner
with my mother-in-law
and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter.' But instead I said: 'You silly cow
, you have completely ruined my life'."
11 → Joke
At Heathrow Airport in England
. A 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush
strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses
. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.
This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
George W., ever the Texas intellectual and gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
3 → Joke
A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent
must rebook a long line
of inconvenienced travelers
by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger
pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.
Agent: "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."
Passenger: "Do you have any idea who I am?"
The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."
The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."
She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
2 → Joke
A guy brings his dog
into the vet
and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail
The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?"
The man replies, "My mother-in-law
is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome
5 → JokeNext page Back to home
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Jim
was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse
loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee
please back up to the men
's tee, please!"
Jim was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women
's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"
Jim had had enough. He shouted: "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"