Please - 53 jokes
45 → Joke
A lady was in the stirrups at her gynecologist
's office having her annual checkup
, when she heard the doctor
talking to himself as he examined her: "My, what a big vagina
! ... My, what a big vagina!"
The lady was, to put it mildly, a bit annoyed. Being the assertive type she spoke up immediately: "Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's incredibly unprofessional of you to say something like that. To say such a thing once was bad enough, but twice is outrageous!"
"I'm very sorry," replied the doctor, "please forgive me. But just to set the record straight, I only said it ONCE Once once ..."
47 → JokeProposal
," the embarrassed man
said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.12 → JokeProposal
The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.
The chief screams, "What are you doing?"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"
Little Johnny wrote: "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!"6 → Joke
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
24 → Joke
, really needing to go to the bathroom
, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender
, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should ..."
"Why not?" the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man
in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"